Learning more about myself

Friday night i accidentally messaged the wrong person, and it granted me pretty strange results.

I've been having this distinct impression that i'm not that well... popular in work. And it shows in little ways... no need to list out examples, for i'm sure i'm not over-reacting.

I'm trying hard to fit in and get with the crowd, but i guess its hard. its the way i've been brought up you see. I need to fit in with the rules, and obey superiors, all that crap.

Maybe that's why subconsciously, i think i may be 'por' ing, or sucking up to them. Have i really been doing so? Though i do sense some hostility and distance among my colleagues.

One of my sgts is going to leave soon, and he said in his email to us, that the clever ones are those who act blur, because they get less work to do.

How right he is! Because i do my work well, i keep getting extra things to do. Its a neverending cycle, and i will not get promoted, cause i'm a NSF after all.

Maybe i should learn how to relax? And tone down a bit...

On another note, this friend also commented that one of my poly mates don't like me, cause i was too 'eager to please'..

It does makes sense you know. I am a person who wants to make everyone around me happy. This has been a 'goal' of sorts for a long time. But maybe i'm overdoing it sometimes, and that makes me feel so tired.

Or maybe i feel tired because i'm not working for anything, or aiming for anything. There's no direction in life for me.

Can anyone tell me what to do?