Jokes

Some jokes that i think are moderately funny..~

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shlt on it's head."

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A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. "Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will Regret it for the rest of your life!" The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers

"You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you." The man thinks to himself

"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"

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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are
comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there some-where that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.