22 August 2007 - Wednesday -

I was just looking through my friendster list, and i was wondering..
Who are all these people? Are they really my friends?
I swear i've never seen some of them before, and others are married!

Some have changed so much it took me more than 15 photos before i finally recognized them. They should be models really. In fact, i'm sure they'll make great models.

This brings me to the issue of change. Whenever people look at me, the most they'll comment is that my cheeks have become chubbier. Either that, or even after 10 years of not seeing me, they say i haven't changed at all.

Maybe i Am living in the past. Or maybe all the changes to me are in my head.
Have i grown older compared to my poly years?

No doubt i've seen a lot more. Deaths, heartbreaks, rejections, weddings(2 coming up in Sept), friends come and go, troubles, new policies by the govt, politics both in and out of the office, going to various churches, meeting new people and so much more.

Yet all these only serves to make me feel older. I remember myself saying back then that instead of feeling 19, i feel 51.

Perhaps now i can say that instead of feeling 23, i feel 42. I just don't.. feel young.

Time and time again i keep trying to change, but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Some of my greatest dreams and hopes, still remain as dreams and hopes. To what extent have i grown nearer to them?

I get a little jealous when my friends tell me their plans for the future. How they're going to study, and then work or set up their own company.

Me? I don't even know what i want to study. Though i know that i must.

Perhaps i've always been too much of a 'anything will do' kind of person. I can ask for an apple, but if i get an orange, i'll just shrug and go for orange juice instead. After all, if I don't expect too much and something happens, at least i can be pleasantly surprised then being disappointed.

Only that somehow i feel like i've locked my heart up somewhere. Most of the time i'm so logical that i wonder where my emotions have fled to. And then my emotions will come out at a surge somewhere in the year, and i'll start feeling depressed, life is meaningless and everything.

Sometimes i wonder why i even bother.
Oh crap, time to stop before the emotions catch up.